Do you ever have an idea or a way of doing things and suddenly you turn on the TV and someone has patented it and is slaying an infomercial at 2am? You think, "I've been doing that for years!" Well, that is how I feel about prayer and gratitude journaling – well, not the infomercial part. I have always journaled. I think that is why I loved blogging about our adoption journey and our little family. Writing comes natural for me.
A couple of years ago I was going through the toughest season in my life. In a matter of a year I was told that my mother was going to die of cancer and that I would not be able to have children. In that season of my life, I prayed more than I ever had before! On my knees, crying, begging, even sometimes negotiating! I started to feel the control leaving me. Trying to go to work, driving to Charlotte on the weekends to see my mom in her last days, and completely crushed that the one thing I really wanted in life was to be a mom and finding out that wouldn’t happen seemed too much to bear.
It was in these moments that I really began to understand prayer and all that my mother used to tell me. All my life I had prayed for things, but for the first time in my life, my prayers were not being answered, or so I thought. Losing my mom at 28 scared me. I feared that I would never have that relationship that a mother and daughter share. I was also sad that she would never get to see me be a mom or see how well my husband, Christian and I were doing. Throughout this difficult time, my sister and I would talk on the phone a lot. My sister, Hillary, is much older than me — more than 12 years. All of my life I had wished that we were closer in age but it wasn’t until my mom was gone that I began to understand. It all seemed to make sense — the reason that we were created so far apart would finally be revealed when Hillary would step into the role of my mom. God knew what the future held and he knew how much I needed that. She has taught me how to get my baby to sleep, how to potty train, and what to do with a strong- willed child! I have a new mother in my sister, and it was all perfectly designed by God.
Just like I never understood losing my mother at such a young age and my sister becoming my “mother role model," I also never understood why I couldn’t get pregnant. My mother had five children and my sister had three. I never once thought infertility would happen to me. To say that I was heartbroken was an understatement. I prayed that I would have a child but God had different plans. Through the miracle of adoption, he brought us the most perfect blessing, a baby girl born on Christmas morning in 2010. She is our little piece of walking perfection. She is evidence of prayer. She is truth that God always provides, just not always the way we think. He is a God of mystery but is also fair. Grace upon abounding grace.
These examples reveal an important lesson for all of us. If we go into prayer thinking that everything that we ask for will come to fruition, we are likely to be disappointed. Through years of writing my prayers and journaling I have been able to see this more clearly. Prayer isn’t in the asking, it is in the understanding. It is the understanding that all of these little moments in our lives are fleeting. There is a huge picture being painted that is our life, and we can’t just focus on one little brush stroke. It is easy to get angry when things don’t go the way we want, but if we give it time, there will always be grace. It is the ultimate submission – to pray. To admit that we are not in control and that someone else is. Faith and trust are the foundation of prayer.
I would be remiss if I didn’t say that for a large portion of my life my prayers had been very one-sided. If I wanted something, I prayed. Then, when it happened, I would scream “Hallelujah!” and never look back. Sometimes, I feel like I pray about things until they work out and then I stop. At other times I feel as though I only pray when things are bad. Then, there are the times that I would get in bed at night and begin praying and then fall asleep! This is when I realized that I needed to do better. A friend in need is a friend indeed – but I have a feeling that God wants to be more than a shoulder to cry on. He wants to share in our successes, our happiness, and our joy! After all, he is the source of all good things.
I truly feel that journaling my prayers and documenting my gratitude has been life changing. Recently I even began adding meditation into my daily routine. Spending this time in prayer and meditation has made seeing the work of God in my life so clear. I am able to write down exactly what I want from him and then relax knowing that he is in control. It is so comforting to see that sometimes I ask for things that I don’t receive and then see what he has provided instead. Garth Brooks was on to something when he said, “Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.” I have received some of my life’s greatest gifts through unanswered prayers – an unbreakable relationship with my sister and a beautiful daughter created just for us.So, is prayer and gratitude journaling just a new buzz word? Not for me, I have been doing it for years. I cannot wait to share with you the beautiful tools that I have created to perhaps guide you in your new take on life! They are COMING!
xoxo
Katie
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