// rebirth //

There is a billboard right off of I-20 here in Atlanta that reads,

"Your past does not define, it prepares."  

I drive past it at least twelve times a week, and every time I read it, it is as if it were the first time. I know too many people that struggle with the scars of their past.  I have friends who have divorced and feel that they could never know love or better yet marry again, others who struggle with the guilt of abortion and wonder if they even deserve to be a mother now, and people who have battled addiction for years, and wonder if they will ever be cured.
This life is hard. It can be difficult to find healing, peace, and resolution. But, let me tell you that there is hope, a hope that YOU can be reborn.
Every spring the plants are reborn with fresh blooms and every winter they whither away and go dormant. This is the cycle of life.  Even us, HUMANS, go into dormant periods - and just like the flowers in the spring, we too can experience rebirth.
That billboard is a constant reminder that whatever your past. whatever your pain, whatever your affliction, there is hope of rebirth for you! These struggles are preparing you for greater things... greater peace, greater love, and greater strength.

// perfectly imperfect //

The other week I tried out a new yoga studio with a friend.  I prefer hot yoga because something about walking out of there soaking wet with sweat makes me feel accomplished.

Anyhow, the instructor was awesome.  She had this presence that was inspiring.  Yes, she talked us through the poses, but in between discussing form and function, she carried on with an inspirational message: perfectly imperfect.

As she walked us through the hardest seventy five minutes of my life, she applied this phrase to our yoga practice, life, friendships, relationships, spirituality, EVERYTHING.  It really made me realize, that everything in my life is truly perfectly imperfect... and, I like it.

If you get on social media, all you see is perfect!  For me, I follow industry leaders and influencers and they all seem the same.  Perfect house, perfect white walls, white couches, architectural chairs, organized shelves, and beautiful fiddle leaf trees.  It is really exhausting. I look at my house and see dog hair tumbleweeds, fingerprints on the walls, handprints on all the doors, grey couches that if you could see all the stains you would die, pen marks on all my chairs, and a dying orchid.

But you know what? This house is full of love.  These dogs are loved more than is probably normal, those fingerprints and handprints are the result of excitement from a thriving six year old, those couches have seated dozens of friends and family, those chairs serve as a craft station for a little artist, and well, the orchid... it had a good run.

It is hard to feel successful when there are all those perfect people out there.  So, my message today is this... stop.  You will never catch up, and it doesn't even matter.  Do what makes you happy.  Be a blessing to someone in this life.  Raise happy children in a stress free home.  Create a space where people feel comfortable.

Maybe one day my house will look like museum, but for now, it is a home... our home.  And we are all just fine with it being perfectly imperfect.


xoxo

My perfectly imperfect

// 36 things about ME //

Ahhhh!  Today marks my 36th year on this Earth and in honor of that, I am sharing 36 things about me ~ some serious, some funny, some quirky, and even some embarrassing!

1.  French Fries are my love language - I have never met a fry that I didn't like.

2.  I have been a nail biter all of my life!  I will literally bite them until they bleed ~ in light of that,
I have worn false nails since 9th grade!

3.  I was a History Major.  

I actually never liked studying history until college ~ 

my professors were so good at teaching and bringing the past to life!

4.  I am the youngest of 5 children - 3 boys and 2 girls.  

5.  I have been a competitive athlete my entire life.  

I played traveling soccer and softball from 5th-12th grade.

6.  I have asthma.  

When I was younger, I always had bad asthma attacks, 

but now I just wheeze when I eat things that I am allergic to.

I don't leave home without my rescue inhaler.

7.  I really want to love oysters, but I can't.  

They disgust me.  People always look so cool eating them, but I just can't do it.

8.  I LOVE the beach!  

I went to college at the University of North Carolina at Wilmington, but I won't go in 

past my knees!  I do not play when it comes to sharks or jellyfish.

9.  My husband Christian and I started dating my freshman year of college, but 

have known each other since 9th grade.  We have been together 18 years, 12 of them married.  

We truly share a soul.  Co-dependancy is real people.

10.  I hate texting.  If people text me, I usually just call them back.

11.  I cannot sleep in silence.  I have to have a fan or diffuser going.

12.  I love pickles but can't stand the seeds.  I cut the guts out of pickles before I eat them!

13.  Clutter is Enemy #1.  

I don't care how "clean" the house is as long as there isn't stuff laying around!

I have thrown out so many important things during spells of "violent purging" of clutter.

14.  I rarely cook.  I don't enjoy it and loathe the mess.  Christian does all the cooking.

15.  I am naturally a brunette.  

I have been coloring my hair since 9th grade and it just keeps getting blonder, and blonder, and...

16.  I love spicy food!  Point me towards the spiciest dish!

17.  I bought the first wedding dress that I tried on.

18.  I cannot drink caffeinated coffee.  

I literally get so shaky and anxious that I think I am going to explode! Decaf is my friend.

19.  My musical crush is John Mayer. Yuuuuum.

20.  I cannot touch raw meat, especially chicken.  

It is so gross that I have almost become a vegetarian... but I would probably only eat fries.

21.  I never make my bed. (unless company is coming over)  

But, I do rearrange the sheets perfectly every night before I get in.

22.  I am a Real Housewives JUNKIE!  I watch all of the cities!

I am waiting for a million dollar RH trivia contest, I will win.

23.  I can't stand long distance running.  I am a great sprinter though!

I want to be a runner, but I literally hate it.  

24.  My favorite drinks in order: Margarita (not too sweet), Champagne, Rose.  

I never drink beer - so gross.

25.  I have always wanted to be a weather forecaster.  

I am obsessed with weather and read weather news daily.  

When I am home during the day, I just keep the Weather Channel on!

26.  I get spray tans weekly.

27.  I have been to 11 countries.

Germany, Austria, Italy, France, Spain, Mexico, Bahamas, St, Maarten, Jamaica, Japan and China

We can't wait to visit more!  We are super excited to start taking Bailey with us.

28.  My mother died when I was 28.  

For the first year, I would call her cell phone and listen to her voicemail recording.

Even now, whenever something exciting happens, a part of me tries to call her. 

29.  My life goal is to one day write a book.

30.  I am actually a really good singer!  

In high school I performed the national anthem at a Charlotte Hornets game 

and Amazing Grace at both of my grandparents' funerals -
in college I sang with the traveling Chamber Choir.

31.  I will not leave my house without foundation on.  

I just cannot let people see my raw face! Even to go work out!

32.  I got my first ever cavity this year!  I am still unclear as to how the heck that happened!

33.  I take Epsom salt baths every night and attribute that to why I haven't been sick in 4 years. 

Until this weekend... geez.

34.  My celebrity crush is Robert Downing Jr. ~ Yummy.

35.  Christian and I wanted five kids - we had already named all of them.

36.  We adopted our only daughter, Bailey.  

She was born on Christmas morning in 2010.


xoxo,

// the gift of laughter //

When we are down and out, laughter is about the most painful noise to our ears.  It becomes almost a mockery - as if everyone is laughing at us!  Here I am over here trying to retreat to an area to sulk and mope in my pain and can hear this faint giggling in the background!  How can people be so relaxed?  Do they have no respect for all of us over here suffering?

Sounds silly doesn't it.  It wasn't until I had a child that I realized how sad it is to deprive yourself of laughter.  It only took my daughter being upset about something one time and me trying to make her laugh, and watching how angry it made her!  It has really nothing to do with not laughing, and everything to do with the self-pity and anger.  I was working to cheer her up and could see her denying herself the simplest of pleasures - laughter!

We talked about it and I told her that she really had to stop taking herself so seriously.  Self-pity and ego-feeding are not virtues that anyone respects.  It is time to lighten up!  When we learn to laugh at ourselves, we are admitting that there are some things that we cannot control, but it won't take away from our happiness.  No person, thing, event, or circumstance can steal our joy.

Today, I invite you to practice laughing even when it hurts.  Stop taking yourself so seriously.  Stop punishing those around you that want to be happy.  Enjoy this life.

xoxo

"For the despondent, every day brings trouble; but for the happy heart, life is a continual feast."

Proverbs 15:15

// be more intentional and purposeful with family //

Do you ever get so busy that you can slowly see your world around you unraveling? I do!

My tribe (husband, child, dogs) apparently use me as their beacon for all things. For instance, November was SUPER busy for me!  I did TWO holiday markets and was drowning in packing and fulfilling orders. Bailey came home from school and in one week alone, got her card pulled three times, my dogs pooped all over the house while I was away, and my husband had NOTHING to wear to work!

During times like those, I find that I get so deep into the tailspin that I can't even recover.  Sometimes, I just have to ride out the storm and clean up the mess when it is over.  I don't think that there is anything particularly "wrong" with being busy, but when I am not, I try to utilize that time a little better.

These are three tried and true tips for how to be more intentional with your days with your family, and they are EASY!

1.  Dig Deep. I mean, spending all day working with the energy of a Olympic runner and then trying to be equally as energetic at home at night is hard.  But, remember the old adage, "Energy produces energy." When we spend time with our family, it is meaningful and doing things that are meaningful draw an entirely new type of energy.  Merely crashing at night means that you are floating through life uninspired.  Take the time every day to be still and enjoy a couple minutes of silence with your loved ones.

2.  Be Present.  Think of time with your kids like a date night.  You wouldn't sit on your phone across the table from your date, and you surely shouldn't with your kids.  Unplug.  When I commit to just sitting with Bailey and doing an activity with her, I get lost in it!  I recently came across a study that said that the average working mom spent only 13 minutes a day giving her children one-on-one attention.  Better yet, stay at home moms only gave 15!  Being with your kids while folding laundry is not the same as being with your kids and playing Candyland - that time is not focused, the latter is. It is the best feeling to be completely connected and the more you do it, the more you will keep going back. The water that springs from that well is the best.

3.  Put on your mask first.  I once read an article where a mom was describing the need for women, especially mothers, to fill their own cup first.  She described parenting like being on an airplane with your kids and the cabin loses pressure.  Whose mask do you put on first?  Instincts tell you to take care of your kids first, but if you don't care for yourself first, you can't take care of your kids.  It's in the safety manual people!  So, sometimes we need to go fill our own cup so we can be better parents, wives, friends, and co-workers.,. and that is ok.


xoxo

This was Bailey when she was just 2 months old.
Looking back at old pictures is a good reminder to enjoy this time. (tear)

// what is going on? //

Good gracious.  Our world is total turmoil.  I honestly cannot remember a time where people were so loud and just "out there!"  Is the world really ending or are people just more vocal?

As part of my 2017 goals, I decided to remove people from my life that are toxic or stir angst in me :: translation :: mainly people on social media.  I think I literally only have five Facebook friends anymore as I have had to "stop seeing" ninety five percent of the people that I know.  

And you know what?  It's not WHAT people are posting, it is THAT they are posting.  I literally "CAN'T" with all the insane article sharing, shade throwing, and just plain mean stuff that I read!  I constantly find myself asking, "Would they actually say that to a person to their face?"  One night I read through a argument that was unfolding on my news feed between two high school friends and showed it to Christian.  We read it out loud, imagining that these two people were in a room, face to face, saying these things!  It was crazy!  Certainly no one would speak to someone like that in real life!  

I feel like computers have people feeling super confident - they can sit back, perfectly articulate something nasty, and then post it with no repercussions!  It makes my heart hurt.  If only we could all get off the internet and into our actual real lives and start there.  

Creating a better world starts at home, not on Facebook.  I am bowing out of any political conversations and opinion pieces, and am going to pray harder than ever before.  When I wonder whether something is right or wrong, I am going to practice sitting in silence and try to listen for the answer.  Whenever I think that I may have a strong opinion about something, I am going to try seeing it from the other side.  But most importantly, every time I act, I am going ask myself, would this please God?

Lastly, I am going to focus on my charity.  I can't help but look to the nine beatitudes here:

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. 

Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. 

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. 

Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy. 

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. 

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. 

Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 

Blessed are you when men revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. 

Notice the theme of charity. The beatitudes shed light on the actions and attitudes characteristic of the Christian life; they are the paradoxical promises that sustain hope in the midst of tribulations; they proclaim the blessings and rewards already secured, however dimly, for each of us.

Oh, to have a heart as this.  Play nice everyone.

xoxo

// the three questions on a woman's heart //

I have been participating in an awesome women's study on Monday nights - Walking with Purpose. The study revolves around helping women find their purpose.  Each week I leave feeling more and more empowered, but this past Monday especially, I heard something that spoke to me.  The three questions that are on the hearts of all women:

  Am I lovely?

Do you see me?

Am I worth fighting for?

Wow.  I can tell you many times that I have asked and re-asked these questions.  Sometimes I find myself asking all three and other times, I tend to ask one more than another.  During some periods in my life, the answers are all a strong yes... but in other, more troublesome times, the answers aren't as clear.  As I have been called to be a mother to a strong daughter of my own, I love these topics because I feel that it prepares me for some of the tumultuous times that all girls go through.

Am I lovely?  Gosh, this question scares me.  My biggest fear is that my child won't see her own beauty and worth.  I strive everyday to remind her that she is lovely, in a million different ways. There is a book by Max Lucado called You Are Special.  In this fictional children's book, there are these wooden people who either wear stars or dots.  Those who are pretty get stars, and those who are chipped, broken, or ugly gets dots.  In the end, one wooden character is covered with dots. Some were given to him for real reasons, and some just because. He meets another wooden person who has neither dots nor stars.  He is fascinated by the fact that every time someone tries to put a star or a dot on her that it falls off.  After a discussion and a meeting with their "maker" he learns that the reasons why her dots don't stick is because she does not allow them.  He learns that WE decide if other people's opinions matter.  If we find ourselves defined by possessions or feelings, then we give others all the control.  Most importantly, we were made in the image of God.  We are not flawed - we are perfect in His eyes.  Teaching kids to know and love God is a great way to build confidence for the future.

Do you see me?  Question two deals with how we as women define ourselves.  If you want to know how you define yourself, then first determine what drives you.  Most often, what drives you also defines you.  This is not uncommon, but one point that our study leader makes is that the root of this question is pride.  For instance, imagine if an accident occurred and you could no longer do what drives you, what would your response be?  For many, they would feel useless and invaluable. The idea that my value depends on what I do or what I produce is one that I have to reject.  Many women that ask this question constantly ask themselves if they could be "doing more" or "doing better".
This of course is the danger - that your self esteem comes from your work. Women who find themselves asking this question care a great deal about what others think of them.  Being noticed and praised is of the highest importance.  So high, that many of these women care so much about what others think of them that they abandon their own conscience. Our study made a powerful point here -

If I spend my entire day working to receive attention and praise from others, 

then there is no time left in the day to offer love and attention to others. 

Instead of needing people to love me, I have more room to love them. 

What drives you... motherhood, work, money?  No doubt the greatest calling in earth is that of being a mother, but motherhood comes with some serious challenges in our own conscience. Many women define themselves as a mother - that means that they view all of their child's successes and failures as their own. In our study, the author made a great point :

Being a good mother does not mean that what your child does or doesn't do defines you.  
Motherhood is one of the greatest vocations, but being a good mother
means that you see the need for a healthy detachment; 

a space where kids are free to be themselves and you are free to be yourself.

I loved hearing this because as a mother, I hear compliments of my child... and I always have a hard time accepting them.  It is surely not me, that is her!  She has her own heart and mind ~ I have tried to lead her, but if she does something well, it was all her.  Perhaps the BIGGEST reason I refuse to take credit for her good acts are because if I take responsibility for those, then I also have to accept the bad decisions that she is sure to make!  

Am I worth fighting for? This question deals with our desire to know that someone would go out of their way for us, sacrifice for us.  We need to know that we are meaningful to someone, enough that they would stick their neck out for us.  It is important that we show our kids this - if we don't, they will search for someone who will.  Showing our children, especially our daughters, that people may hurt them, but God is a god of love.  He fights for us everyday.  

I recently read an article where the author said that "people today are more focused on having than being." 

Ask yourself...

If I lost it all, what would I be?

In Peace,