I have found that these feelings can usually be sorted into one of two categories - forgive them or forgive myself. And today, I am talking about how to forgive yourself. Yeah, that one. And I can say, that I am no expert, but I have had a lot of experience. I have learned a thing or two, and I think it is worth sharing.
Sometimes, the only thing worse than being hurt by someone that you love, is being hurt by yourself. Yep, I've done that. I have had some "not so glamorous moments" that I wish I could forget, but they just bubble up every once in a while, and shake me to pieces. There are two that come to mind often: a falling out with a very close friend and this one time in high school I lied so bad to my mom that I STILL think about it and I hate myself for it!
I have read a lot of books on forgiveness and heard a lot of sermons, but ultimately, I have had to come up with my own way to deal with the hurt. Usually, when I know that I have done something to hurt someone, the first phase is guilt (and that is a good thing!). If you don't feel guilt, well, that is a WAAAAAY bigger problem. After the guilt come the steps...
1. Be honest about it. Human nature's reaction to guilt is to defend yourself and even lie. Whatever it takes. But, the lies and denial only blow smoke at the problem. To truly set yourself free, you have to be honest. That is where journaling really helps me. I write out the entire scenario then read it. I try to think about how I would feel, and what I would do. Oftentimes, being truthful with myself is where I really grow. I start to see what others see. This is the first step.
2. The second step is acceptance. I always hear people say, "Well, it is what it is." Oh, really? It's that easy for you? Because I wring my wrists for weeks over something before I can accept it! Geez. But yes, acceptance is necessary. The reality is, we can't change our past. And the good news is, our life is like a long line where we have to (need to) move forward. If we keep going back, we miss out on what is ahead. I could wallow in the pain of something forever, but then that would only deny me the opportunity to experience joy in new things, hopefully new AND better!
3. The last step is obvious, move on. This one is always hard. This is the real deal - you are officially tapping out and walking away. There is no turning back, no reunion, no second chance. It is over. For some, this step is what finally liberates them and allows them to breathe again, but for others, this step is the one that keeps them in limbo. I always find it helpful to think of times that people have hurt me - what they did does not necessarily define them, and what you did does not define you. We are fickle creatures and all fall short of glory.
